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merely talk

rantings and ravings with little cohesion and plenty of pretension

 

Blah.

I'm so tired. I don't really know why though. I got enough sleep last night, not too much, but not too little either. But I'm just so physically and mentally exhausted right now. I made a doctor's appointment yesterday, so hopefully by next Thursday I'll have some idea about what's wrong with me.

I've been busing to and from North Van the last two days. (I get my car back tomorrow). It's so weird, I've been seeing parts of Downtown Vancouver I didn't even know existed. Both days I brought a book with me, but didn't even bother to take it out of my bag. I just found people watching so much more interesting than feminist theory. Go figure. Like this morning seeing the people lined up around the block waiting to get into the Catholic Charity Centre, or seeing that a Downtown Eastside Women's Centre exists. It really puts everything in perspective. And it made me really notice the diversity which we can enjoy in this lovely city.

 
 

I'm not Dead

I've just been in a bad mood lately. Which leads to me not being very interested in updating on my life.

I'm sure it will pass.

I've been pretty busy as well. Just hanging with various friends, and working and the like. It's all good really.

I headed to Yoga yesterday. It was, as usual, awesome. And I'm not even too sore today. The girl beside me fell asleep during corpse pose at the end. I don't blame her, I've been pretty close to doing that myself. It's so weird, corpse pose. You just kind of go away. I'm not exactly sure where I head off too, all I know is that I'm not really aware anymore of what's going on around me. It's beautiful.

Anyhoo. I get to bus out to North Van today. That should be an adventure, and afterwards I'm heading over to Sean's for a BBQ.

I promise I'll post again tomorrow.

 
 

Mini!Golf!

I had a really good day yesterday. Which is surprising, cause it was a Saturday and I had to work. But whatever. I found out that one of my families I thought I was leaving at the end of the month has decided to keep me on. Which makes me happy. And I was able to negotiate my Saturday shift to an earlier time, so no more 6-8pm. YAY!

After work I got picked up by Geoff and we all headed out to Mini Golf. It was a lot of fun. I'm not very good at the game, but I had an awesome team and I had so much fun.

Joan spent the night here, and we stayed up way too late chatting and eating junk. It was good times. We tried to head out for breakfast this morning, but our chosen restaurant was closed. So we just got coffee instead. We're going to meet up for dinner though. Which will rock.

 
 

That'll Show Them

In protest of the Bush administrations insanity, I have started to listen to my Cat Stevens Greatest Hits CD in my car. I mean seriously, the man who wrote such songs as "Peace Train" and "Moonshadow", is obviously a terrorist. Evil. Going to kill us all.

This latest deportation furthers the idea that Bush and his cronies aren't seriously looking into threats, and instead are generalizing all Muslims as terrorists. I just think it's funny how this man, Cat fuckin' Stevens for goodness sakes, is considered a threat, while I would find many American artists, like Eminem much worse. If only for the homophobic, misogynistic lyrics that are offensive and insulting and sell millions of copies. But I guess that's the American way!

It just makes me mad. And Bush sucks. Please if you have the ability to vote in November, please do. Someone needs to stop this madness.

And I will continue to belt out the lyrics to "Peace Train" in my mobile Kareoke bar (TM FameTracker) (also known as my car).

In other news, I finished Alias Grace today. I know what your thinking, didn't I write about reading that in my very first entry in this blog. A long, long time ago? The answer would be yes. My only excuse for it taking me so long is that I read approximately 5 books in between starting and finishing this one.

Anyway. I liked it. I recommend it. So I guess Atwood gets a pass from me. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully forgive her for the horror she put me through in grade 11 when I was forced to read the Edible Woman. But still. This and Handmaid's Tale were both quite good. I may try another one of hers someday. I do need a book for the ferry ride on Thanksgiving weekend. Does anyone have any favourites of hers they think I should check out? I heard Cats Eye is very good, as well as The Blind Assassin and the Robber Bride. Has anyone read them? Should I?
Thank you in advance.

 
 

Beautiful

So first thing this morning I wrote a lovely little update about a wonderful thing my mother was bringing back from Ontario. Then when I tried to publish it, there was some sort of internal error, and the post was lost to the world wide web, never to return again.

I'm not going to re-write it. I hate repeating myself, mostly because it bores me.

So the general idea of the post was that my Mom was returning from Ontario this morning, and in her possession was an old family heirloom. It's almost a hundred years old, from 1908, and is passed down to all the women in the family. My Great Grandmother was the one who started the tradition, and my Mother and my aunts and my cousins (once removed...no one in my generation of cousins has yet needed it.) have all used it. It's something I hope to use one day.

Until today I had yet to see it. I'd seen pictures and heard of it. But I'd never actually held it in my hands. Today I did. And it was beautiful. The detail is gorgeous and it was really cool to hold a piece of my family's history in my hands. My mom has taken over my Grandmothers responsibility of custodian. Which I'm thrilled about. When I need it, it'll be that much easier to get. I'm determined to be the first of my cousins to use it.

So that was awesome.

Notice how I ended up repeating myself there. Sigh.

Afterward my Mom left for the ferry, Anna and I headed over to Sunshine Diner for some brunch. So good.

On my way home from brunch, the strong call of Future Shop lured me, and I stopped in briefly. Even though it was a short visit I still had enough time to buy Mean Girls on DVD. So excited. I didn't have time to watch anything but the blooper reel before I headed out to work, but I have great hope for the Commentary. Tina Fey is one funny lady.

So happy!

 
 

Autumn is here.

I'm tired. It's been a long day. I hate team meeting days, they add an extra 2 (in today's case 2 1/2) hours to my work day. Today I didn't get home from work until well after 7. I left my house this morning at 7:45. That's a long day for me.

Anyway.

Yesterday I went to the UBC campus, first for Yoga, then to get a head start on some research and then for coffee and the delectable Second Cup with Anna and Amanda. It was a good way to spend my day off. Yoga wasn't as intense this time, even though I definitely felt some pain and jelliness in the legs while I climbed stairs at the library. And this morning my ass hurt. We did these weird stretches with our legs and in the end I guess we were working the ass muscles cause I'm still feeling them. Whatever. It doesn't hurt as much as it did last week. And for that I am thankful.

Today's the first day of Autumn. It defiantly feels that way. Fall has come swiftly to Vancouver. The weather has cooled, and the leaves have all started to change colour. I'm not at all unhappy to bid adieu to summer. I love fall clothing. I think it's the most beautiful and cozy. And really its the season's which fashions suit me best. I love wooly sweaters and cardigans. And lightweight scarves. And cords. And the muted colours. It's all so pretty to me.

I actually just love fall generally. I love the crispness in the air. I love how my cheeks get a tinge of pink when I'm outside for too long. I love the smells and the leaves and the reds and oranges. I really like pumpkin pie and autumn music. And beans. And hot, hearty, thick soups. And I guess having always been in school in the fall, I associate the season with new knowledge. My brain aches for some sustenance, a break from the junk I fed it all summer.

I feel things more deeply and think much more sussictly in the fall. With the cooler weather comes an intensity in emotion and a clarity of mind, which is why above all else I adore the fall. I'm able to make life decisions, to work out problems and to communicate these thoughts to those around me. So I'm so happy it's decided to come once again this year.

 
 

Wimbledon

I headed out to go see Wimbledon with Anna last night at the charming Varsity Theatre. The movie was everything I wanted it to be and more. I am known as a bit of a sports movie sucker. I'm not a big sports fan, except for the CFL and even then my interest in it is touch and go, but I am a great lover of sports movies. There's just something about those underdogs and the crowds and the pretty. I love it.

Wimbledon was no exception. The love story was surprisingly cute. So much so that I found myself not hating Kirsten Dunst. Which is huge. But in the end it wasn't the real focus of the film. This was all about Peter Colt (the ever sexy, beautifully sarcastic Paul Bettany). It was about his tennis game, his friends, his family. And the last half an hour was thrilling. You wanted to cheer each point he made and yell at the stupid calls made against him. I forgot I was watching a movie quite a few times I was just so involved in the game. And I know absolutely nothing of tennis.

Also, the opening credits are worth the price of admission alone. They are incredibly cool and witty.

 
 

The land of Stalin, Lenin, and an Iron Curtain

My dear friend Amy will be heading to Russia in 10 days. And to keep all us poor slobs back in Canada up to date, she has started a blog.

Go check it out!


 
 

Housewarming and More About Body Issues

I had a housewarming party last night. It was wonderful to see so many of my friends. Everyone has gotten so busy lately it was nice to all be together for the first time in awhile.

So I want to thank everyone for coming and bringing such delicious food. I had a great time, and it was a wonderful way to break in this lovely apartment.

* * *
I think I need to clarify my body image comment from yesterday.

I guess it is pretty unfair of me to declare myself the judge and jury of who gets to complain about weight and who doesn't. I understand that even if one is thin they still may have body issues, and that even being thin, as in too thin, comes with it's own set of neurosis.

It just bugs me when I see these girls who are healthy and a size two, who look absolutely beautiful and amazing in everything they wear, who complain about being fat. I guess I sort of view it as them having what I want to have, but they still aren't happy with it. Does that make sense? It's like me complaining to some one with one pair of shoes, that my 10 pairs aren't good enough. (Lousy simile I know, but I can't think of anything better.)

And in the end weight has never been an issue for them. They haven't dealt with being called a butterball on the playground. Or hearing the boys in class discussing how fat one is in hushed tones. They haven't had men yell "Fatso" from their cars. Or seen the look on peoples faces and heard the passive aggressive comments when they go for a second slice of pie. They have their own issues. Dealing with the thin ideal projected by the media, or this need for perfection. Which is horrible, and does so much damage to us all. But it's not the same. And I find them calling themselves fat disrespectful for us who do struggle.

I don't want people to stop complaining about their body issues to me. Honestly this wasn't directed at anyone I know, and I find a perverse joy in complaining about my flaws with my friends. It's fun and creates this bond (which is also sad and is probably another criticism of our culture, but I love it all the same). And I think in the end I know how hypocritical I am. Everyone has body issues and I should be more tolerant of them, it just makes me upset. I also know that if I ever am "thin" I still won't be happy and I will still complain about my body to anyone and everyone. So that makes me even more unfair. I know this in my head, but I still can't stop the irritation. One of the most annoying thing about my emotions it seems is that their completely illogical and irrational.

So. I either just offended everyone, or I managed to explain myself. Only time will tell.

 
 

A Small Victory in a Long Battle

So when I was staying over at my fellow interns house on Friday night, I noticed that she had a scale. It's been about 6 weeks since I've had a chance to weigh myself, so I took advantage of the opportunity. Being without a scale is probably better for me, since I tend to be really obsessive about my weight and end up weighing myself first thing in the morning, after every meal, after a work out and before I go to bed. I know I'm crazy, but as a person who has always battled the bulge it sort of makes sense that I want confirmation that I'm beating it.

So I stepped on a scale. And since the last time I weighed myself I have lost 12 pounds. That's approximately 2 pounds a week. I was aware I'd lost weight. Everything in my closet was getting looser, and I knew I'd gone down a jean size. But I hadn't realized how much I'd lost. And I have a pretty good inkling that this isn't healthy, yet I can't really say I'm that upset.

This morning I was going through some of my old documents and seeing what I could delete, and I found this old spreadsheet I'd made to track my Weight Watchers losses (I did mention I was obsessed right?). And for the first time ever it hit me. I've lost a crap load of weight y'all. I mean in the last two years I've practically lost a freakin' Olsen Twin. Sure it's the anorexic one. But still. Or a 10 year old child or a model or whatever. Since July 2002 I've lost 70 pounds. 70. And until this morning it hadn't hit me.

Which is weird. I mean before this diet I was wearing a size 18 jean, now I'm finding my new 10's a little loose. I've gone from shopping at plus size stores, to wearing mediums in regular stores. I can put on a dress and feel somewhat good about my self.

But at the same time I didn't ever feel that different. And even though I knew I was thinner, obviously, I didn't really feel thin. I felt fat. Even when I had to ask the store clerk for a smaller size, or that first Christmas I came home and put on an old pair of jeans that fell right off me. I still had that feeling that I was taking up too much space, I still had my feelings of shame for being able to finish a meal at a restaurant and wanting dessert. I felt shame for eating at all or making people look at me. (Really. The joy of being fat in a thin obsessed culture knows no bounds. It's not a happy place, which is why I get so upset at people who are thin or underweight complaining that they are fat. They really need to stop that. It's kind of insulting to people like me who are/were fat and dealt with all the psychological trauma associated with such a thing.)

Not that any of that has really gone away since Friday night. But it's better. When I joined Weight Watchers they have you pick out a goal weight. It has to be in the healthy range for your height but it can be on the high end. When I quit WW over a year ago I was much closer to my goal weight but still well off. But I couldn't afford to go anymore, and I even thought it was a little silly to be paying $14 to be weighed once a week. Of course as soon as I quit going to the meetings, I quit counting my points as well which caused my weight to fluctuated. Even though over time I continued to slowly take the pounds off, I was still fairly far from my goal.

Until now. That's right when I stepped on that scale, I was where I wanted to be. The number I thought I'd never see. Which is why I'm so happy. I've done it. This magic number seemed impossible, and I'd all but given up on it. But there you go.

I think I'll write more about the psychosis of weight loss at another time. And rest assured that this glow will fade and I will go back to being unhappy about my weight. I knew long ago I would never truly be happy with the way I look, I knew I'd never be thin enough to suit myself. And I also know that my general body type will never allow me to look like I want to. (Mostly because I wish I was taller, and less curvy, and those things will never change no matter how many pounds I shed or how many Yoga classes I take.) But still I'm happy now, and I wanted to share this joy with all my dear friends.

 
 

The Non-Sailing Trip

I had a good night yesterday. I headed out with two girls from work. We were going to hit the town, but a better offer came up. Namely hanging out in one of their friends basement apartment. It was actually quite amusing and much cheaper. And the place totally reminded me of the first place I lived in Edmonton after I left Residence. The infamous Sweet Suite. Good memories.

Everyone there but us were music majors at UBC. Namely singing. You know what they talked about all night? Singing. They were also a fairly dramatic bunch, so there were many drunken fights and phone calls, and lots of crying. I may sound cold, but it was very funny.

We all crashed at one of the work girl's pretty house, and then headed off to a meeting with our boss today. We were going to go out on his boat. Which would have been really cool. But the weather was pretty nasty and he ended up treating us all to brunch instead. Which was very nice of him. He also gave me a lot of good advice on my big ass project. He even said that if I did a good enough job I might be able to get it published. That would be amazing. Imagine having a paper published, in an actual journal, with only my name on it. Before I even have a B.A. That would be a major accomplishment. I'm not getting my hopes up, cause seriously there's a pretty big "if" there. But still that would be a wonderful thing to have when applying to grad school.

I'm heading off to work in a little while. One of my charming Saturday night shifts. Fortunately I won't have these much longer, so I guess I shouldn't complain. And then I think I'll head to bed early, either that or get some cleaning done. Tomorrow's a big day!

 
 

One Step Forward, Five Leaps Back.

I had a bad day yesterday. Hence the no posting. By the time I got home from work at 6 I was ready to crawl into a dark hole and die. Fortunately I decided to call my boy and go to bed early instead. Which I think was really the better choice.

Things are looking better today. Much like anything, all I needed was a good sleep and a new take on the situation with a new day. I can honestly say I believe things will work out. Something I couldn't even fathom last night. I spent most of yesterday unable to eat, or think straight. With a feeling like I was drowning, and fighting it was futile. It really wasn't a good place to be and I'm glad it's over. I would really like to thank my Mom and Miah for talking me through it. For distracting me, and (in Miah's case) making me laugh.

(By the by I'd rather not say what happened. It's embarrassing and I feel like an idiot. And I know I shouldn't be writing around it, cause that's pretty much taunting my dear readership, and I'm sorry. But please respect that I don't really want to tell anyone about it. Or talk about it. )

Anyway.

Today was a much better day. It was sunny, both my sessions went impeccably well, and I have fun plans tonight. I'm heading out with two lovely girls from work. Who might become new friends. Should be good.

 
 

Movie I Wish to See.

Dude.

So one cannot get out of most Psychology classes at the U of A (and probably all other universities...but I wouldn't know having only attended the one) without hearing about Kinsey. So I'm just thrilled to bits that this movie exists. And will be there opening day. Like the geek that I am.

I hope I'm not disappointed.

Two things of note:

1) A combination of this trailer and Garden State has led me to have quite the crush on Peter Sarsgaard.

2) I'm really hoping this isn't another case of me wanting to see a movie based entirely on the goosebumps the music used gives me. I find myself quite often confusing the two, and then end up seeing crappy movies based entirely on a good trailer soundtrack.
And while I'm on the subject, does anyone know the name of the songs in the trailer. Or recognize them. I really like them and wish to hear them in full. Thanks.

 
 

PAIN!

When I woke up this morning, it hurt to move. Now a mere 10 hours later it hurts to breathe. Damn you Yoga!

Of course by next Tuesday the pain, and memory of it, will be gone. And I will happily go back to the class. And start the whole cycle once more.

But for now I can't lift my arm at more than half way up without it objecting.
And if I have to be in pain, all you have to hear about it. Constantly.

HA! So there!

 
 

Yogaaahhhh

I headed to Power Yoga at UBC with Amanda this afternoon. I was pretty impressed that they accepted my U of A student card as a student card and let me pay the discounted price. I was worried about that, because $9 is a little excessive for one yoga class in my mind. $5 is much more reasonable.

Before heading to the class I had to run around and buy some exercise pants. There's nothing quite like trying on spandex to lower your sense of self worth. I'm pretty obsessed with my thighs and ass (and by obsessed I mean that I hate the way they are, and am constantly wishing for them to shrink) and most of the styles of pants really emphasize the area. It was bad. But finally I found a pair of sweats that fit okay, were only $10 and though a little thick would work.

I love Yoga. I used to really enjoy going to a Hatha Yoga class in Edmonton whenever I didn't have to work. One of the things I liked best was that I wouldn't feel any pain until the next day. And it wasn't really work, in the sense of my cardio workouts. I wouldn't be sweating, just enjoying luxurious stretches.

So I was thinking Power Yoga would be the same. Amanda tried to warn me and I believed her, but I guess there's a difference in knowing...and knowing. You know? It was so much more intense and brutal, with a higher emphasis on strengthening than Hatha (which is more about flexibility). I was pretty sure I was going to die 20 minutes in. And I kept seeing spots and getting dizzy. But it was all worth it, for those last 15 minutes of lying on the floor and floating away. I was so out of it, I didn't even notice Amanda leaving to go to class. It was beautiful.

I love that feeling after a good workout. The refreshed, alive, happy feeling that always happens when you push yourself. I miss it. I really need to join a gym soon and start working out more. I want to be buff and strong, flexible and healthy. Watch out world, here I come!


 
 

Dearest, Loveliest, Elizabeth.

Swwwooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!

I love me some Pride and Prejudice. I'm not really sure why this line gets to me so much, Perhaps it's because I have suffered through six hours of British repression, and finally, FINALLY, Mr. Darcy has declared his feelings and Lizzie is finally, FINALLY ready to hear about them.

So good.

 
 

Rain, Rain Go Away!

I had perfect hair this morning. Perfect.I was up pretty early (even for me) because my mom left for the airport at 6:30, and she needed to wake me up. I only have one clock radio and she got it. Anyway since I was up so early I had time to actually blow dry my hair properly. And it looked awesome. I was even going to wear it down for the entire day, which I never do.

Then I went outside.

I didn't realize it was raining when I decided to walk to the office instead of drive. I also only wore a sweater instead of a raincoat. And to be fair it wasn't really raining when I left. It only started in earnest after I was a few blocks from my house.

So my hair is now gross. And my sweater is very wet, which is bad.

* * *
Yesterday I hung out with my mom. Which was awesome. I met her on 4th in the afternoon, and she very kindly bought me a ton of wool for my latest knitting project. I'm making a poncho. So after dinner we watched Pride and Prejudice parts 2 and 3 and knitted. What made it interesting was that a lot of wine was consumed over dinner, and I was a little tipsy. What with being an incredibly cheap drunk. Ends up I'm a better knitter after drinking. It was good times.

 
 

The Shins

"I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head

You love a sinking stone
That'll never elope
So get used to used to the lonesome
Girl, you must atone some
Don't leave me no phone number there"


- Gone for Good, The Shins.

Can not stop listening to this. I think what really gets to be is the way he sings that first line.

 
 

"Robin Hood and Little John were walking through the forest..."

I had a lovely afternoon yesterday, hanging out with Evi, window shopping along Broadway. It was lovely. I bought some more fair trade, organic tea. It's a bit more pricey, but it's loose and tastes so much better than the stuff from Safeway. And it's also nice knowing that the people who picked and dried the tea are still alive, and are paid well. It takes some of the guilt out of drinking it.

Work was fine. It was only one short shift, so I had no problems there. After work, I brought my CD wallet up from my car. As the weather changes, so do my musical tastes. I needed to rotate out the fast, peppy summer music, for some more subdued, contemplative fall music. So now my CD wallet is full of Sarah McLachlan, Pete Yorn, Rufus Wainwright, The Stills, and David Grey. With a bit of U2 and Live thrown in for fun. As well as the Chillout Mix I got from Janice the other day (thanks Janice, it's really awesome).

I had a few people over after work. We ended up watching the old Disney Robin Hood. You know the one with the foxes, and bears and stuff. You get so much more out of that movie once you know how to read, I tell ya. Did you know that Friar Tuck is supposed to be a badger? I didn't! How about that the sheriff of Nottingham is a wolf? I always thought he was a weird looking bear. Very cool.

It was a fun night, I got to make tea for people. Which I love doing. And I used my new-ish tea set.It's so pretty and modern looking and I adore it so. Everyone was deadly tired, but I still had fun, and I hope others did too.

My mom came back this morning. She's flying out to Ontario tomorrow really early, so she's spending the night with me. At my request she brought me her copy of the BBC's Pride and Prejudice. So I have 6 wonderful hours of damn sexy Mr.Darcy to look forward to. I can't wait. In fact I think I'll be putting tape one in right now.

I love days off!

 
 

Love it!

Awesome.


Taken from here.

 
 

More People Should be Awake at 6.

You know the problem with going to bed at 9 at night is you wake up at 5:59 in the morning, completely refreshed, but somewhat bored. This is actually a common problem for me. My work day has a habit of wearing me out, not to mention I have to get up really early on weekdays, so I always end up going to bed before 10. If I don't, I end up falling asleep on the couch. But then I find myself up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning. Sigh.

Yesterday as crazy as it was, was also kinda nice. I was busy. I woke up, worked and then came home, ate dinner and went to bed. I think three sessions was a bit much, but I wasn't bored at any point in the day. Which is progress I think.

Of course by the third session I was mixing up my kids name with the other two I had already seen that day, as well as trying to convince him that "Nap time" was a great idea for a game. But whatever.

I had to say I was quite displeased with the weather though. As I was driving east at 7:30 in the morning, the Sun was blinding me. I couldn't even see the traffic lights, because the sun was at the exact same level as them. It was scary. I had my sun visor down, and my sunglasses on, but neither really helped. And all the squinting gave me a brutal headache for the entire day (Hint: my kids are not quiet, even the non-verbal ones). Then on the drive home, after my final session, the rain had turned the street into a river and it was coming down so hard I couldn't see more than two feet in front of my car. I'd also like to thank the lovely driver behind me for having his high beams on and tailgating me. That was charming, and the brightness caused my headache to intensify, not to mention made it even more difficult to see thanks to the spots floating in front of my eyes. Fortunately it was a short drive, and the Tailgator kept down 16th, while I turned onto Burrard.

Anyway, I don't have to work again until 6 tonight, which is lovely. And it's one short shift. I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing today though. I need to hit my office sometime before Monday at 9, but I don't think it's open on Saturday. And even though I have a key, I'm still not sure I'll go today, I may just pop in on Monday morning before my first session. This afternoon I have some tentative plans with Evi, which is cool. It's been awhile since I've seen her.

 
 

Zzzzz

I had a brutally long day. I left my house at 7:30 in the a.m., and got home at 8:15 at night. In between those hours I worked with three different kids and had a team meeting. I also spent two hours battling traffic. It was fun.

Anyway I have nothing to say and I need to go crawl into bed now. I just thought I'd put something here, since I haven't posted all day.


 
 

It's getting serious

Guys. I am so bored right now, I'm longing for homework.

You read that right. Insane I know. But see if I had homework, then I'd have something to procrastinate. And when I'm procrastinating I'm really, really creative. So I'd be able to think of something to do.

Instead, I've got nothing. And as the hours tick by I get more and more antisocial. This is really getting bad.

What's worse is school only started 3 days ago. How am I going to stand an entire 8 months of this?

I have a hellish day tomorrow. Three sessions and a team meeting. Hopefully I won't crash my car due to exhaustion and hunger. But then freedom...well until Saturday night. But I'm not really looking forward to that, because if I'm not working, I don't have much to do, and I'll probably spend Saturday much like a spent tonight: restless and bored, lonely and sad.

Sigh.

Don't mind me. My plans for the evening, fell through so to speak, and other than taking the garbage out (which I don't want to do, because some lovely person peed on the dumpster and it smells even worse than it did before) I don't have anything to do. I'll be better after I get to sleep and possibly regain some ounce of sanity. I mean if I was really desperate I could always start doing some basic research for my thesis paper. Right?

 
 

The Big Four-O

That's right. It's my fortieth post. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I'm sticking to my goal to write everyday. It's awesome. And don't worry, 10 posts from now, there will be a big celebratory post once again. Cause as we all know 50 is even more important than 40.

My apartment actually looks like an apartment now. Instead of a mess of un-organized furniture. I have a defined dining area and living room area now. And my Mom and I figured out the whole light issue. (The big living room area has one light in total, and it's a teeny tiny one at that, but we managed to get the area fairly well lit, with the help of two lamps and the kitchen track light.)

After the moving of furniture, and a completely un-nourishing meal (my Mom drank beer my brother had left, and ate cheese and crackers, I had toast) , we watched Finding Nemo. Good times. My Mom thought it was cute, and I fell asleep. I own it though, so I have an inkling how it ends.

She left this morning, but will be returning Sunday. She's flying out of the Vancouver airport on Monday, and since her flight is hella early she's going to spend the night here. Should be good times.


 
 

Bored.

It's been two whole days since (almost) everyone started school. And I have to say I'm lonely and bored. You would think that my full schedule of work, and the fact that my mom is currently in town, would change that. But no.

Actually I kid. Sorta. It was kind of lonely on Tuesday afternoon, because I had a half day and my mom didn't get in until 7. So I had 6 hours to waste away. I spent most of my time cleaning. I didn't have much left to do after my cleaning blitz on Sunday, but some things needed to be touched up. Like my bedroom, and the kitchen. I also spent the day fiddling around with the blog. Hence, due to a whim, I am now capable of posting pictures. Who knows what kind of trouble I'll get into with that power.

Other than that my life is pretty mundane. I got some warning on Tuesday that my schedule that I hoped would stabilize soon, won't be. And in fact will be totally shaken up by the end of the month. But for some reason this didn't shake me up as much as it has in the past. I think I may have finally adjusted to the fact that my job is unpredictable, and that I can't just keep putting things off in hopes of some utopian ideal.

Something to think on at least.

Must run though, my Mother has just informed me that it's time to start moving some furniture. YAY! (not sarcasm...I'm longing for a sense of flow and organization in my home, and for all the furniture to fit.)

 
 

Pictures!!!

This here is a test. I'm teaching myself how to post pictures. I thought a lovely picture of the Vancouver skyline would be a good way to start. Posted by Hello

 
 

The world is full of stupid people.

For my anniversary, Anna and I played Gin Rummy and then headed to the Hollywood for a flick. The double feature was King Arthur and The Alamo. We decided since we were not American, and didn't feel like taking in yet another glorified war epic about American history, we would only see the first one. And it wasn't great to be honest. I found it a bit dull. But a few things do stand out in my mind about it:

  1. Clive Owen is one sexy beast. My god that voice of his is so smooth and deep, it's like velvet. And he's all intense and noble. Simply lovely.
  2. The other knights weren't too bad either. Especially the blond one, who's name is escaping me, and his buddy Galahad. Very pretty.
  3. Historical accuracy isn't a big thing in Hollywood, is it?

I still would have had fun though, if it hadn't been for these two idiots in front of me. The Hollywood is an old theatre, which is why I like it. But it also has really tight, badly slanted seating. So if there is someone in front of you, your vision is limited. Fine. I expect this. You usually find an angle that works and then stick with it. But these two made that impossible. The woman was an absolute idiot and kept leaning over to ask her boyfriend questions. Like: "Who's that?", "Why did they do that?", "What's going on?", "Isn't that the guy from that other movie we saw the other day?", "What did I just miss, because I was talking and disturbing the movie for everyone around me?" (okay so maybe that last one I made up, but the rest are totally true). It was horrible, I think the boyfriend spent more of the movie explaining it to her than watching it. And the worst part is that every time she asked him a question, she would put her fat head right in my way, so I had to invade Anna's personal space to see the sexy on screen. I started to grind my teeth in frustration half way through. And I was so very close to kicking her in the head a few times. I could totally have made it look like an accident.

It's really a symptom of a bigger problem I think. People don't seem to understand proper movie etiquette anymore. More often than not, I've had people around me who talk loudly, who's cell phones go off, or who constantly kick seats. I'm sure Anna has another long list about the crappy behavior of movie patrons, especially their cleanliness. It's annoying that all manners disappear once the lights dim.

Anyway, despite the stupidity of people, I still had a good time. So thanks Anna for making my one year anniversary not a total suckfest. I really appreciate it.

 
 

I'm a sap.

Last night I headed over to Janice's to watch some TV. We watched two episodes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. There's something about that show that always makes me cry. I think it may be because I'm a big ole sap. It was a lot of fun though. And I was able to borrow some tools to build my new Ikea boxes with. Which was awesome! Thanks Janice.

For those of you playing at home, just wanted to let everyone know that today is mine and Miah's 1 year anniversary. We met at my house warming party last September. And he was cute. Now I think he's amazing and I adore him, and I wish that we could actually spend our anniversary together.

Instead I'm celebrating it with Anna (which is almost as good), and he's working.

Of course there will always be next year. And if everything goes according to plan, we will actually be living in the same city by then. YAY!

 
 

Ikea is my best friend, and my wallet's worst enemy.

Ran lots of errands this morning. Janice and I headed to Ikea in the wee hours of the morning (10am) to partake in $1 breakfast and all the pretty storage things there. We were not disappointed. $1 breakfast was surprisingly good. All we needed was some jam packs for the croissant and it would have been fabulous. That and water.

We both came home with lots of pretty goodies. I found a lovely soft blue blanket for $4.50 and picked up a few other things like photo boxes and a wastepaper basket. It was awesome. After Ikea we headed to Staples and a huge Future Shop as well. The thinking there was that since we were in the big box store area we may as well go visit them.

I dropped Janice off at her house and then headed back here. With full intentions to clean after I ate lunch. Which just didn't happen. Instead I started watching Gilmore Girls. It was the episode where Emily goes to Stars Hallow. I had started watching it the night before, but my friends came over, and since I would rather talk to them than watch TV, I missed the end. So I was in the middle of the episode when Miah called. So I missed the end again. After I got off the phone I started somewhere in the middle of the show and continued to watch. I grabbed my brand new soft blue blanket and curled up on the couch, and fell asleep. So I missed the end again. I really think Someone is trying to stop me from watching this show. It's just strange. Of course it could all be a coincidence...and I really was super tired. So who knows? I may make another attempt tonight. It's the only episode I have left to watch before I can give the DVD's back to Janice, so I would like to finish it.

Sigh. The nap was lovely though, and that new blanket of mine is super wonderful.

 
 

Adventures in the big city

I had a lot of fun yesterday. I woke up painfully early as usual...but that was the only bad part of the day.

I took my little brother to the ferry. He's starting his first year of University this year, so I thought it might be nice of me to offer him a ride out to the ferry instead of him taking the bus. The offer was appreciated. And in quite a cute way, he shook my hand before he got out of the car. That's my brother everyone.

When I got home I waited around for some lovely girls to arrive at my apartment so we could go shopping!

The shopping was wonderful. I got a new pair of jeans and a really pretty sweater that I've been dreaming of since Wednesday. It was awesome. I was also able to pick up my bridesmaid's dress for Andrea's wedding. It's a lovely colour and quite pretty. I need to get it hemmed cause I'm short, and have the bust taken in slightly. But overall it works.

I really liked everything I was able to get, but the best part was just hanging with some of my girls. I love the bonding that the mall experience inspires. It's a time for bluntness and compliments, as well as gossip. Really a perfect afternoon activity.

I had to run to work for a short shift that night. It really is quite awful that I have that shift on Saturday nights, but there really isn't much I can do about it. And it's short, so I really shouldn't complain.

On my way home, I parked illegally (in a pay parking lot, without the paying) and ran to the bank. I was only in there for maybe two minutes, so their was no way I was paying $3. And it all worked out, because I was neither ticketed or towed. I then rushed home and made myself pretty for the evening.

Evi, Geoff and Joan came over around nine, and we hung around my place for awhile doing the pre-drinking thing. It was a lot of fun. We also tried to decide which club to head to. We were going to go to Crush, but we had an inside source let us know that it sucked ass in there. Bad music, and hardly any people, so we decided to head elsewhere. Sonar was decided upon, and we headed out the door.

After an uneventful bus ride and a bit of lost wondering, we found the club...and the incredibly slow moving line. We waited, and waited and waited. And the line moved once in a half an hour. So we gave up, and headed to the Bread Garden on Granville for cheesecake.

Which in the end was just as good, and a lot of fun. Patrick joined us after he got of work, and then we headed over to my place and just hung out, and chatted. Iain came over soon after we got back and it was really awesome to have so many people I enjoy at my apartment. I haven't really done a lot of entertaining yet, and a lot of people haven't seen the place yet, so I really liked having all those people over.'

Anyway, even though the evening didn't turn out like I expected it was awesome. I got to wear a pretty dress, and lots of makeup and sexy, sexy shoes (which absolutely killed my feet...I was considering amputation for awhile just to stop the pain). Which was really the whole point of the night. And I got to see great people and get out of the house.

So yay!


 
 

Rambling

Hero was stunningly beautiful, as was expected. I was exhausted from work, but I was still able to enjoy the movie...and the lush colours and moving story kept me wide awake.

I've been in a weird mood these last few days. I can't really put my finger on it. It's more than indifference...but it's neither depression nor happiness. I suppose I'm contemplative. I think I'm just in the process of taking stock of my life. And where I want it to go. I'm looking at my relationships and myself. Wondering what do I want and who do I strive to be. And what do I need to do to reach those goals.

I think one thing I really want to work on is my ability to be on my own. To do nothing, or to be content with doing something "simple". I hate that when I knit I need to be watching something on TV. I wish I could just knit, sit in silence. Still my thoughts. But I can't. I don't have the patience, and since most of the knitting I do takes little concentration, I need something else going on. I want for this to stop.

I also want to be able to entertain myself without relying on the internet of TV. I wish to be cleaner. Less selfish. More productive. I want to stop procrastinating. I have work that needs to be done, emails and phone calls to be returned, and dishes and laundry to do. Not to mention recycling to take out. My apartment could also use a good vacuum.

I guess this is fall Tessa. In Autumn I generally become more introspective, more productive. A summer spent lazing around suddenly seems like a waste. Maybe it's the memory of starting school. This year will be the first September in 18 years where I have not started some form of formal education of another. This year I'm in a purgatory of sorts. Not in school, but not out. I still pay tuition, I still have assignments. But my classes are real work experience. My learning is very, very hands on. And I still have to go back next September to finish my degree.

It's just strange I guess. Almost everyone I know will be attending classes next Tuesday. And I keep forgetting that. I keep forgetting that I'm doing something different this year.

September is the month of change for me. My brothers moving out tomorrow. Heading off to Victoria for his first year of University. So I'll be all on my own in my little (slightly messy) apartment. This will be my first time ever living all on my own. Without family or roommates. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be lonely. But I also think it's an excellent opportunity for me to get to know myself. To see how I do without being around other people all the time.

Hmm. Like I said weird mood.

One more thing. "New Slang" by The Shins is one of the most beautiful, stirring songs I have ever heard. I can't stop listening to it, and every time I notice something new. There are so many layers and little details contained in those four minutes. Whether it's the use of the tambourine or some of the more subtle vocals, or the amazing harmony, it's absolutely brilliant. Really it provides the perfect soundtrack to my mood. (That and "No Greater Heights", Not the Postal Service version, which is awesome, but the Iron and Wine version. It's much more like a lullaby if you will. And it's perfect for calming me down during the drive home. That and the lyrics really, really get to me. There's something about missing the one your with. Which is true. Cause as everyone knows (ad nauseum I'm sure) I'm in a long distance relationship. Which sucks. But this song describes some of those feelings perfectly.)


 
 

Crazy weather yesterday eh?

After work yesterday, Anna and I attempted to go see Napoleon Dynamite. We had both heard it was really good, and I was looking forward to it. Unfortunately our timing was off. And even though we had given ourselves, and the buses, and hour to get there, it was all for naught. The movie is playing at Tinseltown which is two buses and a Skytrain away...and it started at 5:10. The traffic was so brutal along Burrard that we didn't even get to the Skytrain until 5:07. So we decided to put it off for another day, and went shopping instead.

I picked up the Garden State soundtrack. I haven't listen to it much yet, but it's going to go into the car rotation, so I will have a report later. I also bought some super cute (hella cheap) shoes. It was fun. Anna and I also headed to Jacob Connection. Their fall line is out, and it's beautiful. I think we're going to go back on Saturday to actually buy things. There is one particular sweater that I adore and want terribly.

I have a lovely easy day today...only one shift, but I think I'm going to spend the day cleaning. It seems to be the season. And then tonight Anna and I are heading off to go see "Hero". Should be good.