merely talk

So when I was staying over at my fellow interns house on Friday night, I noticed that she had a scale. It's been about 6 weeks since I've had a chance to weigh myself, so I took advantage of the opportunity. Being without a scale is probably better for me, since I tend to be really obsessive about my weight and end up weighing myself first thing in the morning, after every meal, after a work out and before I go to bed. I know I'm crazy, but as a person who has always battled the bulge it sort of makes sense that I want confirmation that I'm beating it.

So I stepped on a scale. And since the last time I weighed myself I have lost 12 pounds. That's approximately 2 pounds a week. I was aware I'd lost weight. Everything in my closet was getting looser, and I knew I'd gone down a jean size. But I hadn't realized how much I'd lost. And I have a pretty good inkling that this isn't healthy, yet I can't really say I'm that upset.

This morning I was going through some of my old documents and seeing what I could delete, and I found this old spreadsheet I'd made to track my Weight Watchers losses (I did mention I was obsessed right?). And for the first time ever it hit me. I've lost a crap load of weight y'all. I mean in the last two years I've practically lost a freakin' Olsen Twin. Sure it's the anorexic one. But still. Or a 10 year old child or a model or whatever. Since July 2002 I've lost 70 pounds. 70. And until this morning it hadn't hit me.

Which is weird. I mean before this diet I was wearing a size 18 jean, now I'm finding my new 10's a little loose. I've gone from shopping at plus size stores, to wearing mediums in regular stores. I can put on a dress and feel somewhat good about my self.

But at the same time I didn't ever feel that different. And even though I knew I was thinner, obviously, I didn't really feel thin. I felt fat. Even when I had to ask the store clerk for a smaller size, or that first Christmas I came home and put on an old pair of jeans that fell right off me. I still had that feeling that I was taking up too much space, I still had my feelings of shame for being able to finish a meal at a restaurant and wanting dessert. I felt shame for eating at all or making people look at me. (Really. The joy of being fat in a thin obsessed culture knows no bounds. It's not a happy place, which is why I get so upset at people who are thin or underweight complaining that they are fat. They really need to stop that. It's kind of insulting to people like me who are/were fat and dealt with all the psychological trauma associated with such a thing.)

Not that any of that has really gone away since Friday night. But it's better. When I joined Weight Watchers they have you pick out a goal weight. It has to be in the healthy range for your height but it can be on the high end. When I quit WW over a year ago I was much closer to my goal weight but still well off. But I couldn't afford to go anymore, and I even thought it was a little silly to be paying $14 to be weighed once a week. Of course as soon as I quit going to the meetings, I quit counting my points as well which caused my weight to fluctuated. Even though over time I continued to slowly take the pounds off, I was still fairly far from my goal.

Until now. That's right when I stepped on that scale, I was where I wanted to be. The number I thought I'd never see. Which is why I'm so happy. I've done it. This magic number seemed impossible, and I'd all but given up on it. But there you go.

I think I'll write more about the psychosis of weight loss at another time. And rest assured that this glow will fade and I will go back to being unhappy about my weight. I knew long ago I would never truly be happy with the way I look, I knew I'd never be thin enough to suit myself. And I also know that my general body type will never allow me to look like I want to. (Mostly because I wish I was taller, and less curvy, and those things will never change no matter how many pounds I shed or how many Yoga classes I take.) But still I'm happy now, and I wanted to share this joy with all my dear friends.