merely talk

Hero was stunningly beautiful, as was expected. I was exhausted from work, but I was still able to enjoy the movie...and the lush colours and moving story kept me wide awake.

I've been in a weird mood these last few days. I can't really put my finger on it. It's more than indifference...but it's neither depression nor happiness. I suppose I'm contemplative. I think I'm just in the process of taking stock of my life. And where I want it to go. I'm looking at my relationships and myself. Wondering what do I want and who do I strive to be. And what do I need to do to reach those goals.

I think one thing I really want to work on is my ability to be on my own. To do nothing, or to be content with doing something "simple". I hate that when I knit I need to be watching something on TV. I wish I could just knit, sit in silence. Still my thoughts. But I can't. I don't have the patience, and since most of the knitting I do takes little concentration, I need something else going on. I want for this to stop.

I also want to be able to entertain myself without relying on the internet of TV. I wish to be cleaner. Less selfish. More productive. I want to stop procrastinating. I have work that needs to be done, emails and phone calls to be returned, and dishes and laundry to do. Not to mention recycling to take out. My apartment could also use a good vacuum.

I guess this is fall Tessa. In Autumn I generally become more introspective, more productive. A summer spent lazing around suddenly seems like a waste. Maybe it's the memory of starting school. This year will be the first September in 18 years where I have not started some form of formal education of another. This year I'm in a purgatory of sorts. Not in school, but not out. I still pay tuition, I still have assignments. But my classes are real work experience. My learning is very, very hands on. And I still have to go back next September to finish my degree.

It's just strange I guess. Almost everyone I know will be attending classes next Tuesday. And I keep forgetting that. I keep forgetting that I'm doing something different this year.

September is the month of change for me. My brothers moving out tomorrow. Heading off to Victoria for his first year of University. So I'll be all on my own in my little (slightly messy) apartment. This will be my first time ever living all on my own. Without family or roommates. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be lonely. But I also think it's an excellent opportunity for me to get to know myself. To see how I do without being around other people all the time.

Hmm. Like I said weird mood.

One more thing. "New Slang" by The Shins is one of the most beautiful, stirring songs I have ever heard. I can't stop listening to it, and every time I notice something new. There are so many layers and little details contained in those four minutes. Whether it's the use of the tambourine or some of the more subtle vocals, or the amazing harmony, it's absolutely brilliant. Really it provides the perfect soundtrack to my mood. (That and "No Greater Heights", Not the Postal Service version, which is awesome, but the Iron and Wine version. It's much more like a lullaby if you will. And it's perfect for calming me down during the drive home. That and the lyrics really, really get to me. There's something about missing the one your with. Which is true. Cause as everyone knows (ad nauseum I'm sure) I'm in a long distance relationship. Which sucks. But this song describes some of those feelings perfectly.)