Boys
So it's almost been a week since I updated the world wide web on my life. But my life is pretty boring these days and I feel no need to bore the world at large with the minute details of my days. Which isn't entirely true, but all the super interesting stuff I have to talk about I can't.
Instead of telling you about impossibly cute children who are doing me proud I’m going to discuss (at length) one of the major differences between the members of the male gender living in Edmonton and Vancouver that I've noticed.
Once again in my sad and miserable life I am single. Which is fine really. I'm so busy these days and stress is making me such an evil bitch that I seriously doubt if my single status is going to change at all in the coming months. And I am honestly okay with that. A love interest would be lovely but impractical at the moment, and I’m totally comfortable with my footloose and fancy free status.
It’s just I’ve noticed that men in Edmonton tend to be much more forward. There was a time last summer where I couldn’t leave the house without some attempt to be chatted up. It was weird I wasn’t used to it and I met a whole bunch of total and complete freaks but it happened so often that it almost became part of my daily routine. You know: Get up, eat breakfast, walk to work, get honked at, have some guy come into the store and hit on me, go get a coffee, get a discount by flirting with the barista, go back to work, walk home, get cat called.
This doesn’t happen in Vancouver. I’m happy about the lack of cat calls honestly. I mostly just feel embarrassed and angry (especially the total assholes that tell you to smile….which happened to me in Vancouver not two days ago, so it’s not like it’s non-existant here, just less common) when they happen. In Edmonton I used to not be able to walk to and from my house to work without either being told I was “hot” or “fat” or some sort of blaring of the horn. I feel a lot less like a piece of meat here in Vancouver. I also love that when I go clubbing my ass gets to spend the majority, if not the entirety, of the night un-groped.
But I miss flirting. I miss getting pretty face discounts. And I know this entire post makes me a bad feminist. Because I’m looking for validation from men who don’t know anything about me other than the way I look. But it helps me with my body issues. It helps me accept my body and love it. I spent a long time in a body that I couldn’t imagine others finding attractive. A body I couldn’t find attractive. When I am flirted with or get a free coffee or even just smiled at by a lovely looking stranger it’s a little boost in the self confidence. And it’s a great motivator to not buy the mini eggs, or to remember to ask for a non-fat chai latte.
It’s nice to be appreciated regardless of the source. I feel just as validated when I’m commended on my brains (what little I have) as I am about my face.
(Slight disclaimer: throughout the entire composing of this post…which truth be told has been an hour and a half and counting… I’m felt the need to let everyone know I don’t think I’m very pretty. Which isn’t true. I’m starting to think of myself as attractive, it’s just weird how I don’t want people to think I’m vain or conceited or so concerned with my looks. Why does it feel like such a crime for me to state that I think I’m good looking? Why do I feel ashamed about it? And why is it the only time I think it’s okay to think of my self as attractive is when some sort of outside source (usually male and a stranger) confirms it? I guess those are really the questions I should be exploring in this post. But it’s almost 11 and I’m tired so it’s not going to happen. I usually better at thinking such things through with other peoples input to my ramblings, so please friends use the comments so I can clear my thoughts.)
Ok, here goes:
1) You are pretty, if you're trying to convince others it's because you're trying to convince yourself. We already know you're pretty, you just need to know...it'll just happen some time.
2)When you talk about how you look, I don't find you to be vain at all, this sort of refers back to number 1.
3)I don't know if guys hitting on you constantly could really provide long term benefits...for anyone. As you said so clearly, it reinforces the 'piece of meat' mentality. The times I have felt best about my body have been when I feel healthy, energetic and I perceive my ambitions as quite possible; also when I am feeling loved or loving. This is me, I know you've gone through much different life experiences than me, many or all that I can never hope to understand. I just know that when I am feeling good, I am reinforcing the positive body image in the long term. I think that when I rely on others for complements I ignore the messages I send myself: the important ones.
4)I think feminism is much more simply than most people perceive it to be: it is equality. As humans with our silly big brains, apparently everything begs for analysis, and therefore we (again) ignore simple messages like "this just feels wrong/hurtful/unfair" and these messages are valid; it's just too bad we're always second guessing ourselves. Does writing what you are feeling in the moment MAKE you a bad feminist? Everyone has needs and wants of belonging, you would know, you're a psych major and if ever a person is feeling deprived, it's hard to deal with, so who wouldn't want your reliably flirty barista to reaffirm your attractiveness, even if for a short time. And we do know it's short, because if these encounters were long lasting phenomena, you wouldn't be in the position you are in now, none of us would, ever.
4)Why DO you feel ashamed? Probably for the same reason most people feel ashamed about anything: cultural values that dictate conflicting ideals. So don't go by those values, make your own, you are capable of it. By YOUR books and no one elses, are you feeling vain, pretty, intelligent, strong...incredible? It's hard work, attempting to think the truth, and perhaps impossible, but worth a try.
5)Lastly, friends are so important! You are very important to me, as are many of the people around me. And as someone that is important to me, when you need it, give me a call and we can reinforce positive body images together, by going for a walk, cooking healthy dinners or just talking. It's win-win!
Evi has covered all the bases. That said, I want the names and locations of these places that are making with the free coffee. I could flirt my ass off and still not get a discount, no matter what city I happen to be in.
PS. I bet Edmonton's tourist board just loves you for making the city out to be full of chauvinistic pig-men.
Anna
Sorry for sticking my nose in your biz, but I thought I could offer some advice:
When I feel down about myself, for some sick reason, I think of this story (it's been on Oprah too) and it makes me happy to know that, hey, it could always be a lot worse, and no matter how big my problems are, 99 percent of it is in my head rather than something I should really be worried about (the whole cognitive therapy, "your thoughts, not actual events, affect the way you feel" thingy).
In Florida this guy, about 25, was speeding down the highway (as we all do) and he t-boned a car by accident. The two passengers died on impact. He went to have a look at the wreck and the two passengers that died were his own mother and her best-friend! The police showed up and charged him with vehicular homicide. He's now in jail for 5 years.
So, whenever I think I'm unattactive, not talented, or no good at all, I think of that guy and say to myself, "hey, at least I didn't accidently kill my own mother and go to jail."
Maybe it's the German immigrant part of my past that makes me say "it could always be worse." Heck, I didn't have to live in a sod hut, clear untouched boreal forest with my bare hands to get my "free land," use an outhouse every day and eat dry bread with salt and pepper for 20 years, as my great-grandparents had to. I have ten fingers and ten toes, a career, friends, don't have to work very hard compared to my ancestors, and I have opportunities like travel and education--things that most of the world's population can only dream of having even today.
Chin up. Your life is awesome (and I think you're great).
Steve McQueen