merely talk

It's been a bad week. And I don't really have very high hopes for the weekend. My job stress level increased exponentially in the last three days, and I woke up this morning with a wicked bad sore throat. It feels a little like strep, but I'm giving it until tomorrow before I go to the doctor to find out for sure. It made work this morning a joy, let me tell you.

I'm also just really tired. I've had a bad case of insomnia since I moved back to Vancouver. I'm now incapable of sleeping through the night more often than not. The lack of sleep is leaving me cranky and bitchy and irritated, making me a pleasure to be around. I'm normally a fairly negative person, but it's going to the extreme. It's to the point where I can barely stand to listen to myself.

I just keep waiting for things to get better. The insomnia is (most likely) an effect of the stress from work, and as such I now have all my hopes for happiness pinned on this job getting better. Which is silly, really. There is no magic solution for happiness. Just like being thin didn't solve all my problems, I doubt this job getting better will instantly make my world perfect. But it's not like I'm still not wishing that were the case and linking everything that makes me unhappy to this job.

The truth is there isn't much I can really do to make work calm down, I have to wait and get used to it. Wait until I'm comfortable with what I'm doing, and I'm confident with the decisions I'm making everyday. Which is hard. I want so much for this to work out. For this job to be worth what I sacrificed for it. And I hate that I'm stuck in limbo with no end in sight.

Of course it would also be lovely if I was within a more supportive and less hostile work environment. But sadly I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. I have to do this on my own.

Sigh.

I also miss that boy of mine something fierce. It's weird, the missing. It changes from day to day. Some days I can barely breathe because of the absence and it's all I can do to keep moving and speaking and living. And other days I'm okay and I go a few hours without thinking of him. Lately the bad days are outweighing the good though. I don't know when we'll see each other again and I'm so overwhelmed with work that I don't feel like I'm strong enough to do this, to live here and drive here and be away from the life I made for myself in Edmonton. I knew moving here wouldn't be easy, but how hard the adjustment has been took me by surprise. It's not like I was starting over. I have a support group here. I have friends and family, but for some reason it's not always enough.

I don't know, maybe this is just the fever talking. Or the exhaustion. I'll probably be better in a few hours. And maybe tomorrow will be a better day. And next week a better week. And even if I can't see it now, maybe things are getting better, and only in hindsight will it become apparent. That doesn't help now of course. But it's something. The hope of improvement is a big reason I get up everyday. The hope that the coming day will be better than the last. Which is most likely a mistake, cause it leaves me disappointed. But I need to reamain somewhat optimisic, cause the alternative is too scary to bear.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Or where I've gone. I don't have a point, so I'm having trouble coming to a conclusion. I guess I'll I'm saying is that I'm unhappy at this moment.